My Biggest Fear

 

“Bzzzzzzz!”

The lunch buzzer went off at work. Obviously this is my favorite part of the work day because I get to eat my yummy lunch and I also get to call John and talk to him for a little bit! So long as he is not at work. However, that day was a little different. An hour before my lunch break started, John had told me he was going to leave a little early to get to work so he could stop off and pay a bill. I hadn’t heard from him since.

A lot of you may be thinking “Well, it’s only been an hour, geez. Maybe he just forgot to text you.” But no. John never forgets. And when he lives in the 4th most dangerous city in all of the USA, it is very hard not to worry over such a little thing. Something just didn’t feel right.

My first thought was to call his phone, but it went straight to voicemail. So then, with shaking hands, I decided to call his work since I knew he should have been there by now. A lady answered and I asked if he was there. There was a little bit of confusion, but eventually another lady got on the phone with me and told me that John was there, she just needed to find him. I felt relieved.

“Oh, I’m sorry dear, he’s just outside at the moment talking to the police. He doesn’t have a phone anymore.”

The police? Why is he talking to the police? Did something happen? What’s going on? Why wouldn’t he have his phone anymore? All these questions were zooming around in my head and I felt myself getting all worried again. At first she wasn’t saying why he was talking to them because she said that he would want to tell me. She let me hold for a few minutes to see if he would finish with the police and come back inside, but it was taking longer than she thought. So, she told me what happened.

“Sorry sweetie… There was an incident while he was walking here to work. He got held up at gunpoint and they took his phone.”

My heart sank and I struggled to keep myself together. She left me her cell phone number so that I could call her and keep trying to get a hold of him.

What is my biggest fear?

Losing John. Losing the love of my life and not being able to see him again or hear his comforting voice. I always say that my biggest fear is the dark, but after hearing his manager speak those words to me, I can honestly say that I would rather walk through the darkest cave alone, instead of losing him. I would do it in a heartbeat without a second thought. I would let a thousand bugs crawl over my body, I would stand at the very top of the highest building.

I felt this horrible feeling of emptiness as I waited to finally hear him. I could have lost him. I’d feel like not even living if I had lost him. What would my life even be for? How could I ever move on from that?

Finally I got him on the phone and he told me that he was okay and that everything was fine. I knew this. He got away, he was safe now and unharmed. But how do you erase the now daunting irrational fear of losing him. How do you get your mindset back to normal after something like this has happened?

Ever since the incident, twice I’ve had an intense feeling of fear of losing him come over me, to the point where I just sit there and cry and can’t even do anything. My heart beats fast and I can feel it through my chest. I have to find something to distract myself.

Though it may be silly, John and I have both agreed that he will no longer be walking around the city. At least not alone and not unless absolutely necessary. If he can’t get a drive, then he will walk with someone. I have even agreed to pay for his taxi’s if needed.

Maybe it is overboard. But it is the only thing right now keeping me calm. I need him to be safe. I need him to be alive. I need him in my life. For my life would be meaningless without him. He gives me a happiness I don’t think I could ever find again. Nor do I think I would even want to find it again, because it just wouldn’t be the same unless it was with him.

I don’t know how I am going to get over this. I don’t know how I will move forward or get my brain back into the normal mindset again. To stop thinking irrationally. But I do hope that it will pass, because it is not an easy feeling to cope with.

John, you are truly everything to me. I love you with all my heart. I do not ever want to lose you… If there is any God out there, any guardians… Anything. Please keep the love of my life safe.

 

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