Illusion Of Freedom

I know that this seems like a pretty dark post, haha. But it honestly is just how I was feeling when I wrote this, so in no way am I trying to offend anyone.

I woke up this morning with this unbearable emptiness. Having a dream about the one you love being there with you, and then opening your eyes to find an empty spot on the bed instead can do this to you. I didn’t even know what to do, to be honest. I had knots in my stomach that I had never felt before.

Maybe it’s because I was also randomly thinking about how nervous I get when him or I fly. Though I do know it is the safest way of transportation, that doesn’t stop my nerves.

Maybe it’s because some people don’t seem to understand or care about how hard it is to go days, weeks or months without seeing the one you love most dearly. This particular feeling stems from the fact that his work constantly makes us wait for long periods of time before we can find out if he will be able to come see me. We can’t even spend Christmas together because they black out that month for taking time off with no exceptions. Work is work, I understand that. But I just wish it could be a little more lenient with certain situations.

It’s been 49 days since I last seen him. 49 days since I’ve felt his touch, hugged him, kissed him. Since I’ve opened my eyes in the morning and seen him sleeping there beside me. I know there are other LDR couples who go longer than this, so I guess I shouldn’t really be complaining.

How do you deal with this type of feeling? An emptiness that can’t even be filled no matter how badly you want it to be, because the only person who can fill it is miles and miles away. There isn’t really a way. All I could do is get out of bed and get ready for my day of work as usual. Of course, I did call him on my way to work, but that can only do so much. Unfortunately, it’s a feeling that just has to pass on its own.

Throughout life, everyone always boasts about being free after getting out of school. How everyone should strive to learn independency. “You’re an adult now! You’re free to do whatever you like!” And this is what everyone more than likely looks forward to all throughout their school years.

But honestly?

I don’t see any truth in it. In this life, you are never truly free. When you are young, you must receive permission from parents/teachers/elders in order to do things. You’re told what to do and are expected to do it. True, you do not have to listen. But that only ever usually causes problems and winds up with you getting in trouble.

As an adult, it is the people that you work for that you must get permission from to do things. And even though at this stage you may not always be told what to do, most times there is already a mental list of things you know need to be done or there will be trouble.

So when are you ever really free? When are we ever provided with that time to truly be independent? Yes, when we are old and no longer have the energy to do all the things we wanted.

If you do not work, you will have all the freedom and time to do what you like, but no money to do them with. If you work, you will have money, but little time and little freedom.

I suppose all of this could be part of the reason why I had woken up feeling the way I did. I want that freedom, because freedom would mean being able to see John as much as I wanted. Not having to deal with all these stresses of if we will be able to have days off or if we will be able to spend holidays together.

But unfortunately, I know life doesn’t work that way.

So I guess I will just keep pushing forward and dealing with this. I will spend what time I can with him and be grateful for it, because I really am. I guess even though I will never truly be free, the fact that life gave me someone like John certainly makes up for it. He makes everything worth it.


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