It Isn’t Easy

Here I go again.

I wake up in the morning and get ready for work. Once I get there, I proceed to sit alone in my office for the next 8 hours. Then, I go back home and spend the night by myself and with John on Skype. Video games, reading, or a little bit of knitting. On the weekends I sometimes go out alone, maybe to see a movie or to have a nice dinner.

But am I really alone?

No.

At work, I am surrounded by my co-workers. My supervisor is situated at the desk in front of mine, we work in the same office. At home, my family is only just upstairs, I rent the basement. Sometimes I go up there to spend time with them, and sometimes they come downstairs to me. When I go out on the weekends, it is always either with friends or family.

So why, then, do I feel alone you might ask?

Because, sometimes, there is only one person who can fill that void of loneliness. And that one person, John, is 850 miles away from me.

I feel alone, because when I come home from work, my basement is empty. I should be coming home to John’s gorgeous smiling face, a hug, a kiss… A “How was your day at work, love?” But instead, I come home and I Skype call him to at least hear his comforting voice.

I feel alone, because when I am spending time with my family, John is not around. He should be there with us, spending time and bonding with the people who may one day be his family as well. Instead, they can only speak every now and then over Skype.

I feel alone, because when I go out with my friends to see movies or go for dinners, John cannot join us. He should be there with us, laughing, enjoying the movies and drooling over the delicious food. Instead, I must experience these things without him, only being able to update him about it all over Skype.

I feel alone because I cannot experience this life just yet with the one who is dearest to me. It is an undescribable feeling when you cannot experience things with your loved one. A lot of the time, it makes me not even want to do certain thigns at all until he can be there.

“You’re so strong.”

“LDR couples are amazing.”

I see some people saying these things. My thoughts? Yes. It is definitely amazing that one person can love another who lives on the other side of the world. Are we all strong though? I can answer this for myself, and that answer would be that I do not think I am. I enjoy being able to show my love not only emotionally, but especially physically. Cuddling, hugging, kissing… I am all over it. So the distance is sometimes unbearable.

My strength does not come from being able to handle the distance, because honestly, sometimes I don’t know how to. I sit there and cry because it is the only thing that I can do.

My strength comes from the love that I feel for John. A feeling that is unlike any other. One that I know cannot easily be found somewhere else, and even if it could, the thought of it not being John just doesn’t do it for me. It has to be him, only him.

Only his arms around me can give me that sense of inexplicable peace.

Only his eyes that look at me, those ocean blues, can send chills down my spine.

Only his voice can calm me when I am upset or angry.

Making him happy is what I have come to live for. Seeing that bright smile upon his face gives me a feeling of great accomplishment. It fills my heart with an undescribable joy to see him so happy.

This is why I handle the distance, no matter how hard it may be. This is why I do not give up. It is not often that you stumble upon such a fantastic love. Someone who you know, without a doubt, would do anything for you and you, anything for them. This is what I have with John. This is what I will fight for. This love, and him, are both irreplaceable.

This geographical distance that is between us right now is only an obstacle we must go through. One day, after dealing with all the stress and facing all the challenges, we will finally be by each others side and never have to leave again.

That, to me, will be so worth it.

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